If I Leave My Grin Behind
by midnightluck
Summary: Jade's life isn't anywhere near what she thought it should be, and as much as she misses all it could have been, she dreads it a little bit, too. But the Cheshire Cat smiles on, and so does she, even when neither one of them is there.


__All recognizable characters belong to their respective owners (Cartoon Network, SJ Tucker). For a prompt on YJ_Anon_Meme.__

__Songfic to SJ Tucker's Cheshire Kitten (We're all mad here).__

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><p>She never had the strongest moral compass. It comes from having supervillain parents, probably.<p>

Dad had been "training" her since she could walk, and where most girls were learning cursive, she was learning three ways to kill a man with her toes. It probably wasn't the most normal life ever, but then, she didn't have much to compare it to.

She learned early how to be small and quiet. Sometimes, if Dad didn't notice her, he wouldn't give a "surprise quiz". And if Mom didn't notice, she could pretend it was because she'd succeeded in disappearing.

And then she gained a little a sister, someone to teach and love and _protect_. She had an Alice to her Cheshire Cat, a spot of light and hope in her otherwise dreary life. She spent so much time with her baby sister; they were almost inseparable.

And then Mom went off jail, and Dad was angry, and she had to grow up and Artemis did not.

And when she'd finally had enough, when she couldn't stand it anymore, and she couldn't kill her father (not for lack of trying), she packed up and left. She ran and she hid, and she crawled into a hole and dragged it in after her.

"It'll be okay," Artemis had said that night, clutching her bear and crying, just a little. "It'll be okay, I promise!"

"Why don't I believe you?" she'd shot back, and answered her own question: _because it wasn't true._

But the only thing Artemis had to offer was, "But I promise. It's okay."

Dad might still be able to beat her unconscious, but she'd had years of practice running and hiding and being invisible. She was gone, out of sight, out of mind. Off the grid. She'd be okay.

And if sometimes, she tossed and turned in the night, remembering her sunny little sister, and how the times spent with her were the only times she'd ever smiled, well. She'd never admit to it in the light of day.

Time passed, and no one came to kill her. So she moved one more time, just to be safe, and got a job. She took some classes, worked out, even tried dating this one guy. But life was...was boring, and slow, and predictable, and she was the monster they couldn't see.

He kissed her one night, and she put him down in seconds out of sheer habit. She couldn't—too many bad memories of bad nights, and she—

She packed up and left him behind, in the hospital.

"Back to Wonderland, I guess..." she sighed, and sought out someone to be her White Rabbit.

After all, monsters should stick with their own kind, right?

And she killed for them. She took their missions and they protected her. A devil's deal, to be sure. Working for the Queen of Hearts, to carry on the metaphor. But it was a living, even if sometimes, she wondered if it had worth it.

And when blood spattered her mask, and the wife came home to find her husband's cooling corpse, or when she found out  
>that her target was ten years old, she was numb, and wondered vaguely when she'd stopped feeling.<p>

She might have been a good person, you know, if only she'd been given the chance.

And then someone came along, and sparked life in her again.

"Why?" he asked. "Why would you...?"

"Why not?" she answered flippantly.

And he had no answer, but he kept asking. He believed she can be better, and she wanted to believe it, too. It was a lovely idea, and h was, well, not lovely or perfect, but he tried, and that was more than most did. She'd let it escalate, and she let herself feel again, thinking that maybe the Knave of Hearts was here to rescue her and let her start over.

She should have known better. And when he broke what little heart she had left, she felt so _stupid_, because, really, she should have known. The world is never as mad as it could be, but it was still bad enough to break a little girl lost.

Sometimes she thinks it's a good thing that her mask has a painted-on grin. That way, she can't forget to smile.

And when Artemis, all grown up now, put Daddy Dearest away, she almost let herself hope that maybe, it was over. Maybe she could leave now, and fade out, and find that boring life she'd tried so hard to get away from before. Maybe...

But she'd forgotten—she's still the bad guy. And now it's come down to this, sister versus sister, blood against blood, and Artemis stands tall and straight and proud, golden and happy and _good._And Jade, well, she's just so tired.

And really, she should have known.

"It's okay," Artemis, glowing perfect Artemis says. "Really. I promise, it's okay."

And Jade smiles, because she has to, and says, "Why don't I believe you?" and answers her own question: _because I don't deserve for it to be._

And Artemis smiles and says, "But I promise. It's okay."

And Jade, she can't live like that, on mercy and _pity_ and misplaced guilt, so she pushes it. She pushes it, escalates it, because that's the only thing she knows how to do, and a bowstring snaps, and she figures, she should have known.

_Alice _in Wonderland. She wasn't even the main character in her own life's story.

Figures.


End file.
